Written by Tory Allen
Breakups. They’ve happened to all guys before, and while it’s easy to feel down and lose confidence, the truth is that it doesn’t have to be that way.
One important thing to remember when a girl breaks up with you is that it is an opportunity to not only better yourself, but ultimately find someone who is better for you.
As corny as it sounds, everything happens for a reason. In the phases prior to and after a breakup, we can discover our deepest faults, allowing us to not repeat the same mistakes with future partners.
This post will address how to regain confidence following a breakup.
Separating Fact from Fiction
When couples argue, both parties tend to say things that are hurtful or untrue. Oftentimes, nothing is even actually said— rather, it is implied.
It’s important to separate yourself from the untruths that your partner fed you during your breakup, particularly if they were internalized. You shouldn’t expect a direct apology for what they told you, so it’s important to reaffirm to yourself that you did your best and will continue to improve as a person.
Once you’re able to separate what was said from who you are, it becomes a lot easier to address self-esteem issues.
Handle with Care – Exert caution, always.
Even if you are steadfast in practicing a new life narrative after a breakup, you are bound to have unwanted thoughts and feelings.
It’s important to approach your intrusive thoughts with care and compassion; this means addressing them without completely dismissing or reacting to them.
To build on the last point, studies show that we are built biologically to only be able to practice compassion when in a tranquil state of mind, so it’s important to have a strong sense of control, trust, and external support.
Forgive and Forget
It’s important to realize that mistakes and regret are on both sides of the relationship. Holding onto resentment only hurts you in the long-term, and it makes it more difficult to continue to be friends in the bigger picture.
Allowing yourself to accept the outcome of the breakup makes for a much smoother transition, regardless of the circumstances.
Love may seem like a fleeting, intangible phenomenon, but it turns out that actual physical changes take place in an individual— such as in the heart and brain— when impacted by a breakup.
Acknowledging that love can hurt, and still pursuing it in light of that fact, can turn an individual into a stronger partner in future relationships.
Find Yourself – Use these experiences to learn about yourself.
Many people speak of not being themselves in a relationship, which becomes problematic when the relationship begins to develop further.
The flip side to this is that being single allows you the ability to better learn who you are, ultimately letting you become the best genuine version of yourself.
In other words, you shouldn’t be worried about appeasing anyone other than yourself.
After a breakup, begin listening to your intuition as to what your next steps should be. You may want to take up a new constructive hobby that centers you, while giving you ample time for reflection and introspection. Think yoga, meditation, walking, painting, or writing.
To increase your personal confidence and self-esteem, consider practicing affirmations that emphasize your positive traits. If you don’t feel comfortable doing this, writing about— or otherwise expressing— the things that you appreciate in your life, can go a long way towards developing a more positive self-narrative.
Return the Love – It’s a Two-Way Street.
Study after study has shown that one great way to feel more confident and happy is to serve others.
After a breakup, there is a good chance that you won’t feel like being around others, in large part because you are afraid of being hurt again.
Volunteering for a cause is a great way to get yourself out there, precisely because it’s usually a safe zone. Everyone is there to achieve a common goal, and in many cases, fellow volunteers will be quite compassionate.
Speaking of goals, volunteering also instills in us a sense of purpose— something that is often lost after a breakup. You will be able to realize that there is more to life than a single girl.
As hinted at, volunteering also makes us more compassionate, the benefits of which have already been mentioned. It allows us to serve others without expecting anything in return, a quality that will pay dividends in not only future intimate relationships, but platonic ones as well.
Set Limits that are accepted by both parties.
Everyone has personal limits, but many of us do not know where those limits stand.
A good place to begin to discover where you stand in terms of limits is when single. When you’re single, you can ask yourself if any given attitude or position serves you well, which will assist you in discovering your preferences.
A key point that should be highlighted is that you should never be afraid to say “no.”
Cut people out of your life, for example, who are negative and degrading. Don’t be afraid to decline the opportunity to participate in something that will drain your energy or make you feel pessimistic.
Despite the urge, do not get back together with your ex if the relationship was toxic. There will always be more girls out there for you to be with.
In a culture that plays up the fear of missing out, it can be all too easy to try to do anything and everything, even if those things aren’t right for us.
All in all, confidence can take time to build, and some people are naturally more confident than others.
If you’re able to build a positive perspective on your beliefs and experiences, however, you’ll come out stronger and more confident as a whole.